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The Littles are trying to kill me. I wish I could say this was figuratively speaking, but they are literally trying to kill me.

With coconut. In all their bath products. And skin products. And assorted Halloween treats. (And what the hell?!! It’s too early for all the teeny-tiny, ghost and ghoul wrapped candies!)

I hate coconut so much. Everyone says how it is so good for the skin; and it might be. But for people who have a coconut allergy, the rise of the coconut in today’s products is a slow march to our deaths.

It is now being used in everything like it’s some miracle of modern marvels that this fruit exists on planet earth. Apparently, all the people of earth not from a tropical area have never heard of this strange item, the coconut. But now that’s it’s finally been discovered, trust in humans to put as much coconut as they possibly can into as many products as possible. Moderation is for losers.

“MORE COCONUT!! Put some coconut on that gunshot wound, coconut is good for everything!”

Were you aware that there are over 30 derivatives of coconut that can be listed in ingredients?! And were you aware that most of them don’t even look like the word coconut, leaving you in a constant state of itchiness and skin agony?!

Thanks coconut.

And the final irony comes in when you consider the state I was born and raised in…Hawaii. The land of coconuts.

My home state obviously is trying to tell me something.

The Littles are now on a strict bathing routine that involves a lot of rinsing and rinsing and more rinsing. Today I’m pretty itchy though and I’m wondering if the rinsing is not going as planned or if the coconut-laced bath products are just that powerful.

I’m betting the Littles protested all the rinsing so they could make me itchy and that during my itchiness I wouldn’t care how many teddy grahams they consumed as long as they left me alone to be itchy and miserable in peace.

Devious. Devious and well-played.

TEDDY GRAHAMS FOR ALL!


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