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It feels like Christmas morning. You get that bright blue box with the shiny blue foil wrapper that you can’t wait to open. Then you open it and take the first, blissfully delicious, bite.

And you think to yourself “why did I used to like these?!?”

But you decide to try another bite and you realize they aren’t so bad. By bite number three you are in heaven, with marshmallow clouds all around you. Then bite number four comes along and you are out of your treat.

And the aftertaste sets in.

That’s right, it RICE KRISPIES TREATS taste test day!!!

food- Rice Krispie

 Americans on the top, Brits on the bottom. How come the Brits don’t get the characters on their packaging? These are the tough questions that need answers. 

Let’s rewind a little to the start of the taste test, before my mouth had been violated by one country’s inferior product. I had to do math, actual math, to figure out the number of calories in each of these products. They were different sizes, the UK uses the metric system, and everything went wrong. But I persevered, solved the mysteries of quantum physics, and arrived at the calorie count of a 22g Rice Krispies Treat from each country.

food- Rice Krispie

Brits on the left at 93 calories, America on the right with 90 calories

Well howdy fucking doody! We chubsters in America have finally won a calorie contest!! I shall celebrate by eating a treat. Except I already ate an American treat and it was awful. See above to the start of this post. ^^^

So basically, the American treat had a funky starting bite, a funky aftertaste, and it wasn’t nearly sticky enough on my fingers. In fact, there was just a tiny trace of greasy residue on my fingers once I had finished.

food- Rice Krispie

Brits are on the left, with a funkier dark color. America is on the right.

I moved onto the Brits version of the treat. Obviously, the color difference was a little suspect. So I hesitantly bit into it and realized America is fucking me over, ONCE AGAIN, with an inferior product.

COME ON AMERICA!!!! These are our own inventions!!! How can the Brits keep kicking our asses with our own foods?!!!! There are not enough !!!!! marks in the world, to express how disappointed I am.

The British version was delicious, start to finish, and my fingers had a gooey marshmallowy mess on them at the end.

Like they should.

So I decided to hit the ingredient list to see what the hell was up. America’s treat was fewer calories so I thought we would actually do okay with this test. But it reeked of awful. And I found the only ingredient that was in the American version that wasn’t in the British version; soy lecithin. Every other ingredient was identical.

After careful internet searching, I found out that this ingredient is used in non-stick cooking spray and stops things from sticking. Sadly, we want marshmallow to stick to our fingers, forcing us to delicately lick it off at the end.

Or slobber all over our hands like the fat kids we are.

Either way, the US is screwing me over with their version of the product. Senators should be convening panels to deal with this. I want answers, and I want them now!

lola

And look at this smug, British bastard I have to watch gloat all over my house. Another win for her country, another loss for my fat kid soul.

P.S. I had a friend taste test these also, just in case I was delusional from a lack of sleep due to caring for the ailing Hubster. Kasey went in completely blind, didn’t know which was America and which was Britain, and she concurred. The Brits spanked the Americans, yet again. She also said she may not be able to taste test things for me any longer. She already lost her beloved Oreos whose memory will be forever tainted with the knowledge that across the ocean, another country has a better one. I may have to order her a case of Oreos and Rice Krispies Treats in order to help her forgot the horrors I have brought upon her.

 


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Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

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