In honor of the Brit’s first loss…

For those of you new to my blog, I’ve started a series on Fridays where I compare American food brands to their international counterparts. As a devout fat kid, I’ve spent my life searching for the best tasting food. 

Today is the day I’ve been training for my entire life. The day I taste test macaroni and cheese. Specifically, Kraft macaroni and cheese UK vs. Kraft macaroni and cheese US. My taste buds were bred for this and I’ve fasted since 1900 last night just so I could go into this with a fresh tongue. I also avoided pizza for an entire week to avoid accidentally burning my mouth on hot cheese.

I deserve a medal for my sacrifice.

Let’s start off with the similarities. They contain roughly the same amount of pasta in them, with the American version having about 16g more than the UK version. In US measurements, this equates to half an ounce – virtually indistinguishable when using a measuring cup. The box directions specify to use the same amount of butter and milk to make the sauce.

That’s where the similarities end.

The pasta is completely different! The US version is a darker brown. When boiling in the water, the US pasta turns translucent. The UK pasta is the same color as typical store-bought spaghetti and stays the same color during cooking. I’m a little freaked out America! What is wrong with our Kraft?!

The American pasta take 7-8 minutes to cook, while the UK version takes only 4-6 minutes. I am really liking the idea of getting my delicious food just a little bit quicker. It will save lives when I go on a rampage.

And then there is the cheese sauce…

I think I found all those ingredients that the Brits leave out and the Americans add in. Look at the nuclear orange color of the US cheese!! Someone, somewhere, is making this powder while wearing a hazmat suit in order to avoid the inevitable cancer.

As I prepared the “cheese” sauce I noticed that you get a lot more cheese powder in the Brit version. It was so noticeable that I started to get antsy. The one item I thought America would win, was already losing in a terrible way. Kraft better not let me down by sending the good stuff to Britain and making me eat the crap version. I can’t handle the betrayal.

Then I lifted the spoon to my mouth. The British spoon. And it tasted pretty damn good. Then, 30 seconds after swallowing, I noticed something was wrong. My tongue was betraying me.

I had a distinctly burnt aftertaste in my mouth.

I gave my tongue some Coke Zero and told it to stop fucking around. Then I took another bite of the UK pasta – and almost fell off my stool. The burnt taste was terrible. I swigged some more Coke Zero and went in for a third taste. It was disgusting. Just burnt cheese and weird texture and never-ending sorrow that Kraft made this product.

This is the macaroni and cheese that I imagine Satan serves in hell.

After I drank an entire can of Coke Zero and sniffed a York peppermint patty to clear the burnt misery that was the previous bowl, I was ready to try the US version. It was heaven in my mouth. I drooled a bit as I stared at the bowl. Lola drooled a lot as she stared at the bowl.

Since the two previous taste tests resulted in Britain winning, I decided to make another UK box of Kraft. I wanted to make sure I hadn’t burnt their delicate, chemical-free product.

I’m used to cooking the hazmat US version that is more robust in nature.

The second UK box tasted more burnt than the first. And my tongue went on a strike due to the abuse. As I was recovering from the beating my tongue took, I did notice a funny tidbit on the UK box. You can cook this shit in a microwave!! Now I know what you’re thinking, we can cook the US version in the microwave also. But we have to buy a whole different product made by Kraft in order to achieve this goal. Kraft had to dumb it down and put it in little cups with a “fill water to here” line for us. But none of that matters anymore.

Verdict:

America won its first taste test! Britain is still kicking our ass 2-1, but next week it is Oreo time. And if there’s one thing American chubsters expect, it’s fucking awesome Oreos!!

I think I’ve got those Brits on the run.

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