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A friend recently told me she is taking her children to Disneyland next year. It’s the first time her kids will be going; a 9-year-old boy and two girls, a 5 and 2 year old. The 5 year old loves princesses beyond all belief. The 2 year old, well, she’s pretty awesome but with one tiny itty bitty flaw.

She loves Mickey and Minnie with a passion. A 2 year old’s passion. I mean, she loves me and when she hears my voice she gets all nuts and tries to decapitate me with her hugs. She’s like Elmira from Tiny Toons. She loves things so much that she squishes them to death.

This kid is going to walk into Disneyland and lose her mind. One parent is going to be chasing the 5 year old who is tearing up the park on her princess finding quest. The other parent is going to be left with the 9 year old who is trying to sink through the asphalt at the embarrassment of his siblings.

That leaves the 2-year-old free to race straight towards the first poor bastards she sees wearing the Mickey and Minnie suit. I would pay money to watch the ensuing mayhem as the character’s handlers try to get their coworkers out of harm’s way.

She may be only 3 feet tall but she moves like lightning. She took off on me once and her brother just glanced at me and told me to wait for her to come back. He knew we’d never catch her. I’m thinking the leash for children may have to be deployed here. They own one, you know, because the 2 year old learned all her tricks from her sister who was a hellion as a toddler also.

Oh my god. I feel compelled to call Disneyland and warn them, but I’m not going to. Mostly because I want to watch the news to see what happens. This could be the first banning of a toddler from Disneyland. I mean, she could kill Mickey in front of other children and they’d have to ban her.

This is also the first time I did not ask to get into the luggage of someone going to Disneyland. I’m too scared that if you combine me, the 5-year-old and the 2-year-old, we’d all end up in jail. How those girls are so similar to me in personality I will never know.

My friend is definitely going to charge me for their therapy bills.

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