Have you ever shown a childless person a sonogram picture? No? Well, my friend made the mistake of showing me a picture of her soon to be born bundle of poop. The result was a conversation in which someone may need to seek therapy. I’m not sure who needs the therapy, but someone definitely needs to make an appointment.
I changed the names to protect the innocent. Or just to shield my friends from anyone knowing they hang out with such a messed up mind like mine. Who knows what sort of effect that could have on them in the future. They may run for President and be denied once the press links them to this blog.
Tess: We just found out today! (This was accompanied by a blobby picture of some grey and black stuff that I could not identify.)
Liv: Congratulations!! So very exciting!
Me: What is it?!?!?!?!
Liv: A boy.
Tess: A boy!!!
Me: How can you tell?
Tess: The little arrow is pointing at the boy part. (I should note that in the blobby picture there was indeed a cursor arrow. Pointing at what, I had no idea.)
Me: Well good god. No wonder people get told the wrong sex sometimes. That all just looked blobby to me and no way could I have determined that on my own. Congrats! And man, boys run rampant in your family. You’ll never have to lift anything heavy, EVER. If those are his boy parts does that mean we are seeing his butt and legs? Because there is no head in sight. At least, not in my sight. I may need someone to color this in with crayola for me .
Liv: They just show the important stuff .
Tess was laughing so hard she had trouble breathing and couldn’t respond. Thank goodness she doesn’t have asthma.
Me: Isn’t the head important?!?!?!?!?! I mean, really. I can’t find it! You’re about to have a headless grandkid !
It’s at this point that Tess manages to stop laughing and show another picture of the “baby” or blobby as I’ve taken to calling him.
Me: Oh thank god! There’s the head.
And then this disturbing message comes in…
Tess: OMG!!! I’m peeing in my pants!!
But I can’t focus on that problem right now, I’m still trying to figure out this damn photo of the blobby.
Me: Wow, the baby is so big they need two photos to show his whole body. What is that thing floating in front of his mouth? Does he have snacks in there?!?!?!?!?! (Leave it to the fat kid to spot the snacks in a photo.)
Liv: Cheetos. He has Cheetos in there.
Me: WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?!
Liv: (She’s probably realizing I am on the edge of panic) It’s a hand.
Me: I’m so freaked out. That hand isn’t attached to the rest of the body. It’s just floating .
Liv: Because that arm is in the back of the uterus .
Tess stopped responding, bet she had to change her pants.
Me: I need to write a therapeutic blog about this. Sweet lord save me. The kid already knows magic. He’s the chosen one from the Harry Potter world.
Tess chimes in here that she did actually pee a little in her pants. See? Kids really do wreck you. She can’t even laugh anymore.
Me: I’m glad I’m not a sonogram reader. I’d make the parents want to get an exorcism based on my viewing abilities.
Tess: STOP!! I’m dying here!! Next time I’ll start with the head!! (I sense Tess is about to need to change pants…again.)
It was at this point that a fourth friend joined in the conversation and then quietly changed the subject to her new couches.
So, a new “baby” will be here soon. He, and I only say this because they swear there is a penis in the sonogram, will be a magician. He brings his own Cheetos to the table so I won’t have to share mine. And I will have him on my side to ensure the muggles do as I dictate.
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