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I recently received a rogue text from a friend that read:

I need Chloroform.

So of course I respond with a pretty rationale response. We don’t kidnap pit bulls. Even if we like them. Walk away from the puppy “Sharon”!!! (She has an undying love for pit bulls and would kiss them all if she could. And I guess steal them after she drugged them with Chloroform. That’s my friend, Cruella DeVil.)

And then I realize she had sent a picture but I had to scroll up the screen to see it. There is her one year old daughter lying on a cot with her legs in the air and spread eagle. She was dressed, mind you. No child pornography is happening here, rest easy. So I begin to address the elephant in the room:

I see “Livie” likes to sleep with her legs open…we need to work on that. She has her legs spread and you’re asking for Chloroform, no way are the feds not picking up on this conversation!!!

It was at this point that my friend called, probably because she knew to continue on text message might just dig us deeper into the hole we found ourselves in. And as tough as I talk, I don’t want to see if I can survive prison. The picture and the chloroform request were sent on completely different days, but technology being the asshole it is, didn’t send it to me. So I received them together.

But the Feds will never believe that. So I’ve already prepared a Washington D.C. level explanation that the Feds should be familiar with.

Politician's Explanation


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