Another Mother’s Day down, until next year creeps up and makes me miss another gift deadline. Sometimes I think these holidays were invented by the post office as a way to stay in business.
This week The Land of the Giant is in this sphincter tightening mode.
The Big Navy (aka “those bastards from the east coast”) is in town and they are here to inspect our program. Since they missed last year’s annual inspections due to an untimely government shutdown, I am in dread of this year’s melee.
Because if I were an inspector, I’d be looking to make some hits. And I’d be starting with homes that only have infants since they can’t rat out their provider for any lapses in judgement relating to TV, candy, sharp knives or whoopee cushions.
So I’ve given the Littles their marching orders for the next two weeks:
1) NO pooping. Save it for at home. I mean, I’d like them to do this all the time, but this is an absolutely crucial time to enforce that rule. Because you know as soon as the inspectors come through the door some Little will have a mess in their pants, running down their legs and I’ll panic and just toss the Little in the diaper can and close the lid.
You know it will happen.
2) Absolutely NO biting. Littles, Lola, the Giant. Pretty much anything with teeth should just close their mouth. I mean, Lola and I don’t bite in general, but stress may make us more prone to wanting to eat each other. I’m pretty sure an inspection of a remote tribe in Fiji is what kicked off cannibalism.
3) Sinus cavities must be dry. I mean it…you better not have a runny nose during this critical time frame. 105% of Navy homes get hit on their nose wiping skills. Either we didn’t wipe it quick enough, we wiped too hard, we smeared their cheek or we forgot to wash our hands BEFORE touching ANY other item in the entire world (god help us, I DO need to open the bathroom door!).
So dry it up Littles, I’m not going down for your boogers. And cut the drool while we’re on the subject of oozing fluids.
4) Take your medicine. If you are teething, grumpy, crazy or just flat-out awake and in the mood for a crying jag, please take your medicine. We need everyone to be on their A game of rationality. So don’t be a hero, take the little cup and down that berry goodness before coming to play.
5) Stay home. I know, I know, I know…you all love me and miss me on weekends and enjoy seeing me every morning. And I you. But if you could arrange to have your cats watch you this week, that would be pretty damn helpful to the Giant.
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