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Today a Little made sure I knew how to go potty like a big kid.

Every. single. time.

Little would see me head down the hallway and she’d come toddling after me, recruiting Lola to join the ranks. Once in the bathroom, she’d make sure we were all squished into the 3 foot by 3 foot space before shutting the door with care to avoid pinching anything vital. Then the Little would nod at me as if to say “Ok Giant, the coast is clear. Strip!

She’d wait patiently as I went potty. By patiently, she spent the entire time critiquing my technique – despite the fact that she still wore diapers and hadn’t used a single potty in her entire life. Too much toilet paper, not enough toilet paper. Too long of a duration, now too short. I found out that I did NOT know the correct technique for pulling my pants up – it involves lacing your arms behind your head. I wasn’t flexible enough so I’ll just stick to the standard pull up and shake my hips technique I’ve been using for over 30 years.


Little tried to calm my unease in this “new” situation I was facing through a steady stream of conversation. The entire time. I’m not 100% sure what “weddle weddle dabada duh” means, but it can’t be good, right?!?

It sounded like a weekend in Vegas may have gone wrong.

Then came the inevitable flushing of the toilet. Each time I flushed, Little would push back against the door as if the water was about to shoot up in a spout to the ceiling. Which would have been fucking epic!!!! Can you IMAGINE the face the Little would have made?! I’m not her mother, it wouldn’t affect me that she would never use a toilet for the entirety of her life.

I eventually became exhausted by these trips to the potty that were taking 10 times longer than they should. I decided kidney failure was okay and held it for the rest of the day.

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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: