I walked in to Costco to buy bananas. $78.16 later and I own the priciest bananas I ever thought I would buy. So let’s review the items that Costco forced me to purchase just by placing their store in the best layout that a fat kid ever had to walk through.
Butter croissants (I can eat 2 of these warm from the microwave as I wait for the rest of my breakfast to cook.)
Alfredo sauce (And what do I need alfredo sauce for? Good question.)
Tri-color seven cheese tortellini (Sweet mother of god, they took a veggie pasta and made it kill you with fat from the cheese. I’m in heaven.)
Pesto sauce (Again, why do you need more sauce?) Because…that tortellini was a 2 pack- that’s 96 ounces of sheer delight! For the mathematically challenged, that equates to 6 pounds of fucking tortellini I didn’t even want to purchase!
Burritos (Because you need something to eat while you wait for your real meal to cook- hence the 1.5 minute microwave burrito. Place in microwave, fill your pot with water for tortellini, and eat your burrito which is now done.)
Macaroni and cheese balls (Costco put all my favorite food groups, cheese and carbs, into one aisle and I can’t resist.)
Tiny Hebrew National hot dogs wrapped in crescent dough (Because I can. And because I want to eat the whole box while waiting for Jason to finish playing Playstation and take me out to dinner. And because it saves lives to keep this fat kid fed.) Oh, and multiply the box of tiny hotdogs by three…that’s right, I bought 3 boxes. I hadn’t had dinner and I was grumpy. Like I said, lives need to be saved.
See that at the bottom? Those are the $78.16 bananas I was talking about. Costco really knows how to place food to entice fat kids. We want to do good; eat healthy, buy produce, live long. But Costco puts so much stuff in front of the produce that by the time I get to the produce my cart is full and I don’t want to pay for pricey fruit. It’s cheaper to eat the Twinkies in my cart. Twinkies, which through sheer willpower I was able to avoid purchasing on this trip. (Alright, I’ll fess up, it’s because they were too far away and I was too lazy to walk to that aisle. I need therapy.)
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