My head just f%#*ing exploded and is lying in pieces on the screen!
Kristen “dead eyes” Stewart is getting another preview at Sundance.
For a military movie.
What the shank is going on in my world?!?! God has abandoned us and the devil is now in control.
That’s the only logical conclusion to the two sentences above.
So this dumbass, who can’t even play a nitwit girl, is going to be a goddamn soldier. (Sorry to all other dumbasses out there!)
SHE COULDN’T PLAY A CHARACTER THAT IS BASED OFF OF HER DEAD PERSONALITY!!!!
She is crap! Every single character she has ever portrayed has been identical. She was on a horse in Snow White and I thought Edward was going to show up to save her. Or eat her. I was rooting for that outcome, but alas, I was disappointed.
Thor was the only reason that movie was tolerable. I prayed he would use his hammer on her and unfortunately he went native and wanted to use his “hammer” on her.
So here’s how I think her military movie will play out based on the following information they have released so far:
Stewart will play a soldier sent to work at Guantanamo Bay in “Camp X-Ray”. Stewart befriends a Muslim inmate in the controversial detention camp. It’s her latest attempt to break away from the action-fantasy films where she’s seen her biggest success (i.e., the “Twilight” series and “Snow White and the Huntsman”) and try her hand at serious acting.
So I think Stewart will end up in fatigues, biting her lip to open the movie. Then she’ll look at the inmate and ask him if he is sad about being in prison. Then she’ll feel like she was destined to be like him. And she’ll ask him how she can be in prison like him.
I have a hundred f$#*ing dollars that she converts to Islam in the movie!
And I love how even the promotional info is saying she is trying serious acting again.
So here’s what I’m going to do for all you amazing people.
I will suck start the gun and go watch the damn movie. But someone better pay for my goddamn nachos with extra cheese.
You will save yourselves and wait for me to blog all about it so you don’t have to burn out a portion of your brain to forget the horror that is this actress.
I’m a goddamn hero.
And to the REAL heroes in our country: Thank you for all you do so that this incredibly talentless actress can ruin your uniform without fear of death. And for me being able to publicly state how much I hate the guts of of said actress.
Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather
I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet
You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather
Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much