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I am not a big fan of spiders. Who is?! Despite my dislike, I do appreciate that they keep the insect population down. However, I have just one question; who keeps the spider population down?

Witty- spider

We have an unattached garage that we rarely use. When I say rarely, I mean the door hasn’t been opened in well over a month and I am constantly surprised when I open the door and see stuff I thought the movers lost.

That infrequently.

I opened the garage today to take out the daycare strollers that I no longer use. I have finally found a buyer and the months of holding onto the items is about to make sweet, sweet sense. As I stroll into the garage I am trying to decipher which sheet the strollers are under. Sheets, you say?!?

Yes, sheets. I have ghosts living in my garage.

See, here’s the thing. We were well warned by the neighbors that the garage is really just a place for spiders to live. You don’t own the garage, you rent space from the eight legged creatures living within. I bought a bunch of cheap twin sheets, and I had the foresight to buy them in Construction Cone Orange. I wanted to avoid smashing my belongings with the car as I backed into the garage during tree sap season.

So there are sheets everywhere. They cover the metal shelving we have, anything that is on the garage floor, crap hanging on the walls that isn’t intended for yard work – it all has a sheet on it.

I started towards where I keep the strollers and I am assaulted by spider webs IN MY FACE. As I approached the corner, I notice that all of the wall beams have webs between them. Then I get closer and realized that those are some very FAT spiders that all have tons of sacks around them.

I quickly grabbed my strollers and hauled my ass out of there. All I could envision was these stupid things hatching as I stood there and no John Goodman on hand to rescue me.

Thanks mom and dad, I appreciate you scarring me with that movie when I was young. It was a great parenting technique designed to ensure our bedrooms were kept neat. Give yourself a round of applause.

This weekend I am going to dress in Jason’s old poopie suit (coveralls for you non-Navy folks), get my yard blower out, and really show those spiders who is boss. I also have a bottle of Terminex spray for commercial use that they left after a visit. Those spiders better hope I don’t add a blowtorch to my arsenal in the meantime.

And I’m going to channel John Goodman and yell out “rock and roll.”

Wish me luck.


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