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So I am not a big fan of spiders. Who is??? But I do appreciate that they keep the insect population down. I have just one question; who keeps the spider population down?

We have an unattached garage that we rarely use, and when I say rarely I mean the door hasn’t been opened in well over a month and I am constantly surprised when I open the door and see stuff I thought the movers lost.

That infrequently.

So I open the garage today to take out my single stroller and double stroller I no longer use. I have finally found a buyer and the months of holding onto the items is about to make sweet, sweet sense.

As I stroll into the garage I am trying to decipher which sheet the strollers are under. Sheets, you say?!?

Yes, sheets. I have ghosts living in my garage.

See, here’s the thing. We were well warned by the neighbors that the garage is really just a place for spiders to live. You don’t own the garage, you just rent space from the eight legged creatures living within. So I went out and bought a bunch of CHEAPO twin sheets from Walmart.

And it gets even better, I bought them in Construction Cone Orange so I could see where everything was when I backed my car into the garage during tree sap season (which is a whole blog in and of itself). I know, it was really brilliant and I am a bloody genius.

So there are sheets everywhere. They cover the Home Depot Special metal shelving we have, anything that is on the garage floor, crap hanging on the walls that isn’t intended for yard work; it all has a sheet on it.

I start towards where I keep the strollers and I am assaulted by spider webs IN MY FACE. And as I approach the corner I notice that all of the wall beams have webs between them. Nasty. And then I get closer and realize that those are some very FAT spiders that all have tons of sacks around them.

I quickly grab my strollers and haul ass out of there. All I could envision was these stupid things hatching as I stood there and no John Goodman on hand to rescue me.

Thanks mom and dad, I appreciate you scarring me with that movie when I was young. It was a great parenting technique designed to ensure our bedrooms were kept neat. Give yourself a round of applause.

This weekend I am going to dress in Jason’s old poopie suit (coveralls for you non-Navy folks), get my yard blower out and really show those spiders who is boss. I also have a bottle of Terminex spray for commercial use that they left after a visit. Those spiders better hope I don’t add a blowtorch to my arsenal in the meantime.

And I’m going to channel John Goodman and yell out “rock and roll.”

Wish me luck.


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