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Disclaimer: Do not do anything that will turn you into an animal (i.e. drugs, drinking obscene amounts of liquor, living in a forest). To turn Martha Stewart’s quote upside down using my trusty shank: “It’s a bad thing.”

When I was a little girl I always thought it would be great to be an animal when I grew up. Think about it. Someone would feed you, bathe you, love you and it would be okay to be a total attention hog. It would be amazing. Alas, I found out you can’t turn into an animal if you are a human.

Or can you…

There’s a new drug out there to make all your nightmares dreams come true! Haven’t you dreamed of being an animal?!? Don’t you want to try new things?!?! Live a little!

Time for the sales pitch:

Try some KROKODIL!!! 

All you have to do is avoid looking at the ingredient list (which includes gasoline, paint thinner and lighter fluid). Imagine, you try this little miracle drug and you turn into a crocodile! A fearsome beast, no one will mess with you. Especially those American baddies…they’re running scared.

Don’t worry about your skin starting to peel off your bones, you’re akin to a reptile, surely you will regenerate new skin?!?! Don’t worry about your green colored scales- you’re just that awesome. And you should REALLY ignore that smell of decay, after all, you live in the swamp when you’re a crocodile.

Those Russian bastards have really got a good sales pitch going for this miracle drug! Where do I sign up?


Who in their right mind is even thinking about trying this drug, let alone actually injecting it into their veins?!? AND WHO’S FUCKED UP BRAIN EVEN THINKS OF THIS CONCOCTION?!?! Do you think some ex-communist scientist is sitting around thinking of what new thing he can do to get some satisfaction out of life?!?!

Well, we held out for THREE WHOLE YEARS, America. And now apparently, we are dumb enough to try this drug, because it looks like such a damn chipper future for us, doesn’t it?! Stupid sales’ pitches get us every time. We are lost without Billy Mays’ guidance on the stuff that we SHOULD buy, now we just buy any old thing we see.

I secretly think the Russians have figured out how to wipe out the Americans, en masse, and take over the world. They make up a drug, see if their people will willingly take it and then gradually get it moving towards America. That way it looks like a coincidence. And they may succeed, we seem to have an abundance of really stupid citizens who think meth is great, this is just the final step towards death in under a year.

Well played, Russia, well played.

P.S. Lola is shaking her head and wondering why Americans are so stupid. As an English Bulldog she considers herself “vastly superior” (said in the BEST British accent, EVER!) to Americans as a general rule. She said her Daddybeast and I are also superior since we were smart enough to get a puppy of her caliber.

P.P.S. Lola has quite an inflated ego on her, I guess I am slowly Americanizing her. Next she’ll expect new toys every time I leave the house to run to the store!

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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much