I may have to burn the house down…

I was thinking it would be great to decorate my house for Christmas. Not the inside, I already do that. Sometimes.

In all reality I should tell you that my tree is small and in an ornate planter, sitting as a statement piece in my guest bedroom year round. At Christmas I just put it on the coffee table in the living room and plug it in. Last year it didn’t get ornaments since the fake pine cones and berries were good enough for me.

This year, I was thinking of really decorating up the outside of the house. We’ve never done that, for multiple reasons. One, I am a clumsy little fool and would probably die in the endeavor to climb to the roof. Merry Christmas – I’m dead!

Two, I am in essence a hobo who lives out of garbage bags thanks to the Navy. Seasonal decorations mean more junk to unpack and file damage claims on every 2 or 3 years.

Three, now that we can earn/owe money on housing electricity I figure the more my neighbors light up their houses, the more money I earn by keeping mine dark. I already average $10 a month and I bet in December I earn myself right into a rebate check of $25. That’s a lot of Spam money.

Four, and here’s the most important reason, I would leave those lights up year round. I know I would. Fat kids are notorious for grand ideas and then giving up half way through the idea in order to eat Twinkies and Oreos in front of the TV. I would get a letter from the base on January 4 asking me to remove them and I wouldn’t. Then I’d get another letter on January 30th saying I had to remove them or move out.

At that point I would be forced to burn the house down in order to avoid the manual labor of moving OR taking down the lights.

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