I can’t believe I have to clear this up…

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Autocorrect could have made a very uncomfortable eating situation in my home. The Hubster and I were text messaging each other while he was out and I was at home, dying of starvation while I waited for him. Apparently, the Hubster thought he would make this situation better by sending me pictures of delicious food that I wanted to eat.

One of those pictures happened to be a deep-fried musubi.

Deep fried Spam musubi

Sweet mother of God….I just left a drool puddle on my keyboard.

So as I’m responding to the Hubster, the autocorrect keeps changing musubi to mouse. Even as I’m typing this blog, it really wants musubi to be mouse.

And now I’m a little nervous since I frequently text message people about musubi and beg them to bring me one. Just in case I don’t take the proper amount of time to check my spelling before hitting send, I would like to make one thing clear:

I DO NOT WANT MOUSE!

 

It’s the Puget Pringles Party…

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I’m slowly working my way through the British food I had delivered to my home from across the pond. Last week I reviewed the bread; the Brits won that round, hands down, with a taser pointed at the American bread’s neck.

Oh bloody hell.

This week we’re taste testing Pringles.

Brit vs. AmericanBritish version on the left, American version on the right.

First of all, America is the clear winner in the size department, we are actually the smaller can. Take that, Redcoats! Our bread may be two and a half times the size of yours, but your chips (sorry, crisps) will be adding to your waistlines to make up for it.

The Brit’s can is 190g and the American can is 169g. Now, I’m not 100% on what a gram is, but the UK can didn’t list any ounces. Thankfully the American can listed grams as well as ounces or I would have been in math hell for hours.

And now we’ll move along to the best part; taste testing the heck out of some chips.

Brit vs. American food

British on the left, American on the right.

I’m not sure if you can tell, but the American chips on the right are significantly darker than the Brit crisps on the left. The difference was so notable, I worried I had bought two different flavors.

I popped the American chip into my mouth and happily dreamed lovely dreams of unicorns farting glitter while soaring over a rainbow with a sack of gold at the end. As you can plainly see, I love chips.

My second foray onto the unicorn’s back was much different; it was so much better I can’t even describe it in words. I envision heaven will be like eating that chip. The moment that British crisp hit my mouth I knew America was being screwed over royally. And it made me slightly cranky. Okay, a lot cranky. British Corner Shop is going to be getting a whole heck of a lot of business from this American.

First of all, the crisp was much, much thinner than America’s. I could eat these in the middle of a dark room and no one would hear the loud crunching that makes others want to shank them in the belly. Second, the sour cream was much tastier on the Brit crisp. It is apparent now why the UK can is bigger; no way could I stop after eating just a few. I may or may not have eaten so much that my stomach hurt.

Here are the ingredients, I’ve highlighted the extra ingredients that were added to the loser that was the American Pringle.

UK Pringles ingredients: Dehydrated Potatoes, Vegetable Oil, Rice Flour, Wheat Starch, Sour Cream & Onion Flavour (Onion Powder, Sour Cream Powder, Dextrose, Flavourings, Sugar, Sweet Whey Powder, Lactose from Milk, Milk Protein, Potato Starch, Citric Acid, Lactic Acid, Malic Acid), Emulsifier: E471, Maltodextrin, Salt, Modified Rice Starch.

American Pringles ingredients: DRIED POTATOES, VEGETABLE OIL (CONTAINS ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING: CORN OIL, COTTONSEED OIL, SOYBEAN OIL, AND/OR SUNFLOWER OIL), CORN FLOUR, WHEAT STARCH AND MALTODEXTRIN. CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: RICE FLOUR, SALT, WHEY, DEXTROSE, COCONUT OIL, MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE, ONION POWDER, SUGAR, NONFAT MILK, SOUR CREAM (CREAM, NONFAT MILK, CULTURES), CULTURED NONFAT MILK, NATURAL FLAVORS, BUTTERMILK, SWEET CREAM, CITRIC ACID, LACTIC ACID, DISODIUM INOSINATE, DISODIUM GUANYLATE, SODIUM CASEINATE, INVERT SUGAR, MALIC ACID AND YEAST EXTRACT.

Americans, shall we take a moment to reflect that there are four types of sodium added to our chips?! Or how about inverted sugar?! I’m not sure what the hell it is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want my sugar inverted. Whatever these extra ingredients are actually for, I know one fact:

They are fucking up a perfectly delightful chip. 

If the UK can have such a delicious product, I demand the same for Americans. Give me the same chips is the new no taxation without representation. I’m going to go dump a crate of American Pringles in the Puget Sound tomorrow, who wants to join me?!!

I’d like to take this moment to say that British Corner Shop is not paying me in money or food or even free shipping to post anything about their website. But they got the order boxed, shipped internationally to a military base, for under $30….before the bread even got a teensy bit stale. So if you want British food, you should check them out.

 

 

Hope you can catch…

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Last week I decided to start a trend in the Wordless Wednesday game that many bloggers play on Twitter; each week I’ll bring you A Heatherism. Feel free to check out the new category to the left to see all the Heatherisms I’ve come up with.

 A Heatherism

 

Happy Lola Day…

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Today is National Puppy Day so I decided to share some links of Lola’s most memorable hijinks.

Remember that time she demanded I play with her in the middle of the night? Yeah, it was fun for me…

http://wp.me/p3WghM-Fb

Or how about that time Lola ate baby Jesus? I’m still in negotiations to get her pardoned but baby Jesus holds a grudge…

http://wp.me/p3WghM-Br

Or how about the time she caught that squirrel…

http://wp.me/p3WghM-wj

How about one of the times Lola ended up in a cone because she’s too stubborn to hear me…

http://wp.me/p3WghM-sS

And we will never forget the time Lola ate a baby wipe in one gulp…

http://wp.me/p3WghM-o4

Lola Canines

Enjoy reading and look at this cute face before you go.

The Brits have arrived…

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Well, their food did. I finally got my shipment of food from the British Corner Shop and I am puzzled, excited, confused, happy and bewildered all at the same time. I’m planning on holding taste tests with some friends and giving you guys the real dirt on what the heck is up with these American companies putting all sorts of crazy ingredients into my version of the food and then removing all of them for the British version of the food.

A little reminder, I could really give two shits about the ingredients and nutritional value, I eat Twinkies and Spam so obviously this isn’t a health website. My goal here is to find out who is getting the yummier food and who’s being saddled with the crappy tasting product, which will serve me for my retirement planning should I decide to go where the food takes me.

Today I’m starting on the bread.

UK food

American version on top in white bag, UK version in blue bag.

Let’s all take a moment to notice the size difference involved in these loaves of bread. They are both basic white breads so I thought they’d be more similar in size. I couldn’t find a medium version of the big American bread and I couldn’t find a big version of the medium UK bread.

I’m starting to see the obesity trend in America. But since my blog doesn’t care about that, let’s move on to the taste test.

I was making chicken salad sandwiches and I needed to toast my slices. As soon as I opened the UK bread I noticed a smell difference. American white bread smells very sweet, the UK stuff smelled like I had a bread cooker in my house and it had just finished baking. It was wonderful.

The texture of UK bread is completely different. The slices are smaller, denser and have almost no crust on them. Which is a fucking delight since I’m the asshole who likes to take the bottom crust off her sandwiches.

Bottom crust = awful x 1000

So I toasted the bread and got this as a result.

UK food

American on the left, UK on the right.

America, our bread gets nice and brown in the toaster. UK, yeah, that didn’t toast. It gets crunchy like it is perfectly brown but the color doesn’t change. I wonder if that’s because the sugar in my American bread is what makes it turn color?! Or the chemicals?! Whatever it is, I loved the fact that the UK toast didn’t make a huge flaking mess on my plate and hands as I ate.

The American counterpart did not do so well in that regard. I was sad to say that the UK bread won me over with no effort.

So there you have it, the UK bread won the taste test. Now, for those of you who care about ingredients I couldn’t do a straight comparison since these are separate brands but for the rest of my UK food items I have the same brand in the American version. I went ahead and highlighted the EXTRA ingredients in the American version that the UK version didn’t contain.

UK bread ingredients: Wheat Flour [with Calcium, Iron, Niacin (B3) and Thiamin (B1)], Water, Yeast, Salt, Vegetable Oil (Rapeseed, Sustainable Palm), Soya Flour, Emulsifiers: E481, E472e; Preservative: Calcium Propionate (added to inhibit mould growth); Flour Treatment Agents: Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C ), E920 (Vegetarian).

American bread ingredients: ENRICHED UNBLEACHED WHEAT FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, MALTED BARLEY FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMIN MONONITRATE, RIBOFLAVIN AND FOLIC ACID), WATER, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, YEAST. CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF THE FOLLOWING: SALT, VEGETABLE OIL (CANOLA AND/OR SOY), DISTILLED VINEGAR, YEAST NUTRIENT (AMMONIUM SULFATE), DOUGH CONDITIONERS (MONO-DIGLYCERIDES, SODIUM STEAROYL LACTYLATE, ASCORBIC ACID, AZODICARBONAMIDE, MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE), DEFATTED SOY FLOUR, EXTRACT OF MALTED BARLEY, DEXTROSE, CALCIUM PROPIONATE (MOLD INHIBITOR), CALCIUM SULFATE (A SOURCE OF CALCIUM), ENZYMES, NONFAT DRY MILK.

I would personally like to apologize for the American bread ingredients being in all caps. I was way too lazy to type them myself so I copy and pasted them from their website. I am not shouting the list of ingredients at you, I just wanted to eat a Twinkie with one hand instead of typing.

NOW WHY THE HELL ISN’T THERE A COMMAND THAT ALLOWS ME TO HIGHLIGHT A SECTION OF TEXT AND MAKE IT LOWERCASE?!?!? GET WORKING ON THAT APPLE!! (I intended for that to be all shouty words this time.)

 

My nose will never be the same…

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Last week I talked to the Tiny Little’s mom about starting her on table food. She’s pretty much ready and her teeth are moving in so why not get her going on the deliciousness that we adults are enjoying?!

Big.fucking.mistake.

The Tiny Little came into daycare and exploded all over us. I went to get her out of the crib and as a routine check I put my nose to her butt to see if she had pooped. As soon as my nose arrived at its destination she farted. Right in my face. Farted. While my nose was touching her diaper. Farted. In my fucking face!!! I felt the blast blow my hair back for god’s sake!

It was traumatizing.

So I put the little tooter down and watched her play. Every five minutes she would rip these huge farts you could hear in China. She had this grey cloud of doom following her around the play area. I could practically see the stink waves coming off her and hovering, waiting to get us all.

Poor Lola kept freaking out and sprinting around the housing barking like a maniac. She couldn’t figure out what the noise was but it needed to die.

I asked mom what she had fed this Tiny Little that was making her insides rot and kill us all. She very hesitantly told me mashed potatoes…..with gravy.

SON OF A BITCH!!! I guess that’s my fault. I obviously should have clarified the definition of table food for babies. There is only one rule to follow for the first few weeks of eating adult food other than the pureed vegetables and fruits this kid had previously eaten:

No sauces. It’s a pretty simple rule but I seemed to have forgotten that most people haven’t raised hundreds of kids in the last 12 years, like I have. Sauce makes a baby’s insides liquify into a putrid, waste-laying, nuclear bomb intent on destroying the noses and tear ducts of everyone in its path.

The Big Little climbed into the tent, I heard what sounded like a train rolling out the Tiny’s rear end, and the Big came bolting out of that tent like his pants were on fire. It was hysterical to watch him wave a hand in front of his face to try to get some oxygen. I laughed so hard that I cried. Some of those tears may have been from the noxious fumes that were filling the air.

At one point the Tiny Little ripped a fart that was so terrible the Big Little gagged. He gagged! A baby made an 18 month old gag with the smell of her digestive system. That’s impressive considering kids are at adult ass level and probably get hit pretty often with outrageous smells.

I was consoling myself with the fact that the Tiny Little was suffering as bad as the Big Little and I were. She farted while crawling and as she sat back to figure out what she had heard the cloud of fumes engulfed her. She screwed up her face and looked around, trying to figure out what the hell was happening to her. I have never seen a baby that young react to a horrible smell.

And then the poop started….and basically never ended.

It’s been three days. There are still massive amounts of the worst poops I’ve ever seen. She’s still farting like a drunken sailor hopped up on jalapeño poppers. I can no longer smell anything and I fear the Big Little is going to sue me for permanent nasal damage due to daycare pollution.

I wonder if my insurance covers nasal burning due to farts?!

Is it my nap time yet…

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My autocorrect has been on a roll this morning. It seems to be making me speak with an Irish accent. I am wondering if Apple planned it that way to really get us in the mood for St. Patty’s Day.

So today is the day everyone wears green and drinks until they puke. I’m going to stay home, in my orange outfit, and watch TV with Lola instead. We were tired of the holiday by 0700 when I checked Facebook and there were over 100 posts from friends about wearing green.

Oh, and in case you’re curious, I only have 104 friends on Facebook. You double posters are making me cranky!

I was very happy to receive a text message from a friend this morning that perfectly sums up the mood I’m feeling today thanks to another night of restless sleep:

“Fuck this, fuck you, fuck everyone. Just fuck this fucking shit, you motherfucker and for all of you looking at me FUCK OFF!”

She feels tremendously better after unloading. At least I hope she does. I’m too nervous to call and find out.

That’s some expensive cornbread…

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I haven’t posted a blog in 5 whole days! I don’t think I’ve gone that long since my vacation and I’ll try not to do it again. I’ve gotten some messages asking where I’ve been and I’ve got just one word for you:

BUFFET!

This weekend was the annual Dolphin Auction. If you remember, last year I was traumatized at the auction and in 39 seconds my entire life was forever altered. Check it out, there’s even a slo-mo video of the horror.

http://wp.me/p3WghM-jo

I think my blog must have reached the auction committee this year. Two of the ladies on the auction committee are readers of my blog and watched the horror unfold last year.

And they listened.

We had a buffet this year. To go along with the camping theme there were big chunks of cow (who really cares what it was, it was beef!), salad, baked potatoes and the mother of all camping items, cornbread.

And this cornbread was fantastic! I wanted to steal the entire basket of cornbread and take it to my car, but I was worried I wouldn’t be invited back next year. And what if they served this amazing cornbread again next year?! So instead I did the only thing I could do to convey how happy the auction planners made me; I spent $775 in the verbal auction.

I’m pretty sure I still ate more than that in cornbread.

It’s like the Revolutionary War all over again…

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I’ve done it! I finally ordered a box full of foods from the UK. Now I can compare my American versions to the British versions.

Kraft UK

Time to see if America’s version tastes yummier or if this red box without all the chemicals wins. 

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