Lola finally caught that squirrel…

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Last night, Lola was on fire.

She was moving her short, chubby legs just as fast as she could.

There were whimpers of delight.

Her heart was pounding and her breathing was rapid.

The Mommybeast was prepared to administer CPR and/or first aid should Lola need it.

But she didn’t.

With one final push she caught the squirrel she has had her eye on for years. She let out a victorious bark…

Lola

and sat up from her nap.

Victory was hers and no one could take it away.

 

I’m living in the Hunger Games…

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These new Tiny Littles are awful.

Let me tell you something about newborns and infants under 4 months of age.

Only their mothers love them.

Well, and their fathers and other family members. Close family members, though. Everyone else is just being polite.

I have been shit on, puked on and subjected to endless hours of screaming, not crying, screaming. We’re on week forever and I may not make it out of this with my sanity intact.

I literally just listened to over an hour of ear-piercing shrieking from a baby who hasn’t eaten in 7 hours.

And let me tell you, we’ve tried everything. At this point, we just have to let the Little have a hunger strike and hope we live through it. And that’s advice coming straight from the bleeding heart at the hospital who helps new mothers who are breast-feeding.

If she’s throwing in the towel, I’m throwing mine in with her.

Scream away, Little, I’ll be here when you emerge on the other side.

On a positive note, the Little who was previously the screamer of our group has decided to not scream since Monday. The day when they both went to town and I made the parents come and get them.

And leave my house as quickly as they could.

So now I’m going to take some deep breaths, sit on my ass (or assume the fetal position) and try to remember this sage advice:

Newborn Tip

It’s a very important reminder I think every person around newborns should have posted on their refrigerator.

UPDATE: I’m happy to report that both Tiny Littles buckled down and got together  for a nap before going home. In two months this will all be behind me and they’ll be wheelin’ around daycare like pros. I will repeat this mantra daily until we are there.

I literally fell out of bed this morning…

Last night I struggled to fall asleep. It was after midnight and I knew that clock was going to go off at 0500. My brain was doing the “if you fall asleep right now you’ll get (blank) hours of sleep” deal that all brains do to stay awake and torture your body.

Stupid brain.

I wasn’t thinking of anything, I have no problems in my life (other than sharks and spiders) and Lola was happily cuddled up and peacefully snoring. Everything was as it should be.

And yet I couldn’t fall asleep.

Fast forward 4 hours and my alarm goes off. I fall out of bed due to a completely numb arm from my shoulder to my fingertips. Then I stumble to the bathroom and flip on the light and BAM! There’s a spider in the middle of the floor.

I kill him without shrieking which proves how very tired I was.

So I take a shower and get dressed for work.

Halfway down the hall I realized I hadn’t even gotten my hair wet, let alone washed it.

Moo

Daycare is going to be like entering the Thunderdome.

 

Lola had the fur scared off her….

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This morning Lola and I made the command decision to clean the house. We couldn’t find a maid that we liked and could afford so we’re doing all the heavy lifting ourselves.

Stupid dreams of a maid, it really made us complacent this week.

So there I am, moving all of our furniture, when I get the bright idea to steam clean. You know, freshen up the entire house. I wish my OCD would allow me to do one task a day. This “have to do it all at once or nothing at all” mentality can wreck your weekend.

So there I was, knee-deep in wet carpets with furniture strewn about, when Lola came bounding towards me like the demons of hell were behind her.

Or Jaws, it was kind of hard to tell.

I march down the hall, prepared to find something tipped over or maybe even a puddle on the floor in protest of the very loud steam cleaner.

Nothing.

I continue cleaning and two minutes later Lola comes flying from the back of the house again.

Check again, nothing.

Exhausted Lola

Then Lola lies down and shakes.

As I’m checking her out I spot what demon has been tormenting her.

I yell out “that’s a big motherfucking spider” as I sprint away from it.

The Hubster is on duty, not returning until tomorrow. It’s up to me to kill this thing.

I collect my spider killing gear. Gloves, check. Paper towel, check. Toilet seat open, check. Vacuum nearby just in case that spider gets rowdy, check.

i return to the hallway….and it’s empty.

Shank my life! You know that thing is off making spider babies to hatch in my house. Now I HAVE to move everything.

I will find him!

Expect updates to follow if I can’t…..and prepare Lola and I a bedroom in case we wind up at your house.

Don’t wait too long to go to the potty…

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I have a confession to make.

My house is a mess, my clean laundry for the past month and a half is just piled onto the spare bed (which is king sized) with no room for more and I can’t seem to beat the spiders this summer.

God help me. I’m going insane.

So I briefly lost myself yesterday and then a daycare parent had to remind me that my “messy” house is 10 times cleaner than her house at its best.

It made me feel better for about 10 minutes. Then she walked out the door, I turned around and wanted to cry like a little girl.

So I’ve decided to hire a maid service.

Just someone to come in once or twice a month and help me with the huge chores. Like moving furniture to keep the spiders from finding places they think I’m not cleaning.

I want those spiders scared and running. Out of my house.

And just a little memo to those of you who are thinking about moving to WA state. Come join us, it is beautiful here and the weather is pleasant.

But the spiders suck big time. All summer long you will be walking into webs and trying not to piss your pants every time you walk into a room and see one scurry away from you. And this will happen every time you guzzle a soda and wait too long to head to the potty.

 

Dead Eyes has the perfect part….

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Oh boy. Kristen Stewart is doing another movie, Equals.

Shoot me now.

I literally pray for the end of the movie profession as a whole just to rid my eyes of this thing on my screen.

Apparently directors have tired of Kristen’s dead emotions but they still want to cast her. Probably because she’s now proven she’ll sleep her way to the top.

*cough* You know it’s true!

So this new movie is being specially written for Kristen. She will play a human in an age where humans have lost their emotions.

That’s right folks, if your actress sucks, just write a part that requires no acting for the star you want to cast. Kristen “dead eyes” Stewart will be able to pull off an emotionless robot.

On a worrisome note, the press tour surrounding this movie implies that Kristen will regain her emotions, but I’m betting that once they start filming they will have to rewrite a surprise ending.

One that allows her to remain emotionless.

Why, WHY do people keep casting her?!?! I mean, Thor and Lucy really held that Snow White movie up. And instead of a sequel, the movie cut bait and decided to do a prequel…with Thor and Lucy. Dead eyes was not invited back.

Thank god for small miracles.

I need AA…

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So a reader (Ronnie) recently commented on my last post about Amazon Prime.

The post where I admitted to buying a year’s worth of Skittles.

Because I could.

Ronnie tells me that her husband also got sucked in by Amazon. He bought 18 pounds of jelly beans.

18 pounds!!!

To put that in perspective I did some math for you all.

I bought 8.1 pounds of Skittles.

Amazon Skittles

There’s a possibility I ordered more junk food from Amazon as soon as I realized how far ahead in the game Ronnie’s husband is…

And I’ve decided to heed her advice and form a support group.

I was having trouble deciding what type of group was needed. Were we people with candy addictions? Zombie Apocalypse nuts who couldn’t resist buying in bulk, because even candy will be needed at the end? Internet shoppers who couldn’t resist the free shipping that comes along with our Prime membership?

And then I stumbled onto the perfect group to start.

Analyzers Anonymous. (You can spell Analyzers with an s or a z, according to a dictionary. After a careful analysis I decided that spelling it with a z lent a much more sophisticated feel to my group. And this explanation right here is why my group is named appropriately.)

We accept all members with any problem they’d like to keep anonymous about. Candy eaters, Amazon addicts, people who like too much cheese and anyone running on too little sleep. Pretty much everyone is welcome.

elephant-on-car

I invited this elephant to come join me immediately. He’s so itchy that he destroyed this car. And he wants to remain nameless while he confesses about his dermatitis.


Go check out Ronnie’s blog, she’s pretty funny!

http://therealvd.blogspot.com

The internet found another victim…

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Remember how I have a deep love for Amazon and its Prime membership that gives me free shipping on items already priced low?

There’s a possibility that they have turned that love into a way to make me fat(ter).

Amazon Pantry.

Now I don’t even have to go to the grocery store and walk around. What little bit of exercise I had in my life just vanished. I mean, who wants to walk around a store and get all sleepy?!?!

Now, in all reality, I’m never giving up Costco. They feed me samples to keep my energy up, hand out drinks as I get to the back of the store and my mouth is parched from all those samples and then offer me a delicious hot dog once I make the final push through the registers.

Or you can do it in reverse, like I’ve blogged about before. (If you haven’t read it, click the link http://wp.me/p3WghM-4u I spent many hours of my life to make you a diagram to follow so that you too can achieve greatness in a Costco.)

Now, back to Amazon. I love Sour Skittles and Darkside Skittles, but those little candies are elusive. I couldn’t find them at the grocery store, Costco was a bust and I was getting desperate.

So I traveled onto Amazon and hit the jackpot. There they were. Looking at me from my computer screen.

Amazon Skittles

 Note that it says share size. Yeah, I dare you to try to share my Skittles…

And I ordered them all.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why not buy share size of the Sour Skittles?

Great question. (Now go eat a Twinkie as a reward. Or Skittles. But not mine.)

The Sour Skittles have a very bad side effect. They burn your mouth and cause tongue sores if you eat too many. And we all know I don’t have the self-control to only eat half a bag.

So I went with the small bags.

See, I can learn!


If you didn’t read about my previous Sour Skittles experience, feel free to learn from my mistakes here:

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/06/26/im-wounded-send-in-superman/

Hey look, people who think like me…

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So my blog has been on fire lately and I’ve been having a heck of a laugh seeing what search terms are leading people into my blog. I’ve picked the most recent and tried to determine which blog post they actually ended up reading based on their searches. There were a few really fun ones that I couldn’t determine, those people must be officially nuts.

But they’re my nuts, I’m keeping them!

-mow my lawn stupid ass (Wow! I will not mow your lawn.)

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/05/20/i-feel-like-a-tyrannosaurus-rex/

-how to kill Sasquatch (Well, step one, find him.)

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/06/24/theyre-not-lunatics-theyre-just-related-to-sasquatch/

-dressed up puppies (Well, that could describe a whole lot of my blogs. And my life philosophy in general, though Lola hates me when I put her in clothes.)

-english bulldog eats baby wipe (Yep. That’s happened to me before. Lola can be quite the challenge.)

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/05/19/you-ate-what/

-old school caboodles (See?!? I knew I wasn’t the only one who missed those wonderful pieces of 1980s history!)

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/04/11/i-cant-believe-i-still-wanted-one-so-much/

-tongue splits because of sour skittles (Oh boy. Another victim. Don’t feel bad, they get us all….and we go back for more.)

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/06/26/im-wounded-send-in-superman/

-are you with me are against me (That’s right, you set that ultimatum down and if they aren’t with you, you shank them.)*

AND

-for me or against me (I seriously love all the vendettas people are wandering around with. It aids digestion and burns calories.)*

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/08/01/youre-either-with-me-or-against-me/

-truck road sign (Ah, someone who is as confused as I am.)

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/06/17/is-sasquatch-in-the-truck/

-i’m your sour patch kid (Well, how’d the candy get on the internet? Did he grow some thumbs and escape his candy box and decide to tool around on my blog?!? If you were my sour patch kid, you’d be in my belly already. I’m not sure where you were going, but hopefully you found your way into someone’s belly.)

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/01/03/hot-damnwhat-the-hell-is-that/

-this aint a prison shank (Oh boy. It’s a breakout. Someone get the pepper spray!)

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/01/28/937/


*Don’t really shank people, you’ll go to jail. And then you’ll have to make shanks every day and pray they hold up in “the yard” and that someone doesn’t have a better one. And you don’t get Twinkies in prison.

 

I am officially ready to be cast on The Big Bang Theory….

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I was happily tooling around the internet when I stumbled into a website that had transcripts on it. I spent about an hour reading various posts and interviews.

I was laughing, pondering, questioning and all around having a good time.

Then I realized I was on the National Public Radio transcript site.

hyperventilating sheldon

I’m a nerd and no one ever told me!!!

 I mean, this is a big deal. I’m going to need new clothes to fit my new nerdiness. I’m going to need to get a different pet, nerds seem to like cats or nothing. I may have to change jobs. And I’ll have to cut back on the humor that many people appreciate and begin using humor that makes people slightly uncomfortable.

I’m really going to have to rethink some of my life choices….

Or I’ll just eat a Twinkie and squish Lola until I get over this momentary life crisis.

Wheel of Fortune Fail

Better yet, I’ll “booze” my shore excursion.

See!!! I am a nerd. I just used Wheel of Fortune as a joke. The conversion is starting…

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