I want to smack you, not you, but maybe you…

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So for the past few weeks I have been in a funk. The Hubster had surgery and I decided I hated everything outside of the walls of our house. A little bit of that was sleepiness but most of the funk can be blamed on the fact that no one likes to watch their loved ones in pain.

On the one hand, I wanted to smack the Hubster for making me do everything for him.  (How many fucking cups of coffee do you need to sit in bed all day?!?! More water? More water?!?!?! Stop drinking right now!!!) On the other hand, I wanted to smack the people who hurt the Hubster and put him in all this pain. There were a lot of thoughts of smacking any adult around me.

Things got extremely tense when the lady at Panera Bread shorted me 4 bagels.

And then my friends took me out of the house yesterday…

A Heatherism

My faith that glitter farting unicorns exist has been restored!

And I love the world again!

But that seems pretty secondary to the unicorns and glitter.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Those poor cavemen…

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Over the weekend we had a terrible storm hit here in WA state. Normally I’d be upset that the severe wind and rain caused me to lose power all day on Saturday, but considering the amount of wildfires we have raging right now, I’d say the rain was a good thing.

I used my day to sit around complaining that everything I liked to do couldn’t be done without power. Television, out. Games on my iPad with the dead battery thanks to my not planning ahead, out. Games on my phone which was rapidly losing battery life, out. Writing my blog and interacting with other bloggers, out. Reading on my Kindle with a dead battery thanks to my not planning ahead after my marathon of book reading in the days before, out.

As the day wore on and the house got darker, I became a bit hysterical. How did all those people in the dark ages stay sane during the dull, dark times of the day? How did cavemen not go completely insane from a lack of light and anything remotely exciting to do???

I got so desperate for entertainment that I played solitaire. With real cards. That I had to shuffle by hand.

Lola also suffered greatly during this power outage and high winds. She is now holding her bladder and bowels and only running outside if she is in dire straits. This is the third day and I predict that I will be getting a vet bill for a bladder infection if I can’t get the wind to stop freaking her out soon. Between the squirrels throwing acorns and the wind throwing all our outdoor equipment around, Lola is counting on this being the zombie apocalypse.

Lola demanded I make her a meat jacket with the freezer full of meat that was getting warmer by the minute. In case you’ve forgotten, I will survive the zombies but Lola didn’t score as well. Read about it here:

http://shank-you-very-much.com/2014/03/25/a-meat-jacket-will-be-key/

Now, I’m off to command the wind and rain to stop for a minute so my little pooper will go relieve herself. Wish me luck. If I fail, I may train Lola to use one of those kid potties that sit on the floor.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

 

 

Someone hand me my axe…

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I missed another week of Heatherisms. I have failed you all greatly. Luckily, I’ve got a great post for you today. Stay alive until my next Heatherism tells you how to navigate life without poking yourself in the eye.


Lola has seriously pissed off the squirrels who live in our backyard. Every year the hatred gets a little more intense. Spring blooms and Lola and the squirrels meet for a backyard peace summit where they all shake hands and agree on terms of backyard use. By mid-summer, the hatred is intense. Both sides have violated the treaty and are lobbying war on the other side. This year it has hit a new high.

Lola was sitting at the back slider, looking out the glass door. Sadly, the Mommybeast wouldn’t open the door to allow her the freedom to torture a squirrel. Every so often Lola would give out a woof and wait to see what the squirrels did. One squirrel felt brave and decided to collect acorns from the back patio, just two feet away from Lola.

There was only a thin piece of glass separating them.

Lola let out a giant bark and smushed her face against the glass. You know, to ensure the squirrel got the message to move it along. The squirrel was not in the least bit intimidated, based on what it did next.

It chucked the fucking acorn at the glass!

Lola went ballistic. Barking, hair flying, slobbering little ball of war. Lola was enraged.

Then the squirrel chucked another acorn at the glass and sat there staring at Lola with a calmness that only the fastest runner could feel. Squirrel knew Lola couldn’t catch it.

When the squirrel chucked the third acorn I decided it was time to unleash the beast. It was either that or wait for the glass to shatter. I opened the door and Lola made a furious dash for the squirrel.

She missed.

And now the squirrels are pelting her with acorns every time she goes outside to pee.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

 

Something’s little alright…

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By now, everyone in the world should know that the Ashley Madison website has been breached and all member information has been stolen. You should have also heard that the information has been leaking to the media in droves.

So why are these stupid “celebrities” trying to lie?!?! Take that housewife from New York, her husband said it wasn’t true. Someone used his address, and email account, and credit card, and name, and picture…all without his knowledge. Hmmmm. Then one day later he is changing his tune and saying it was all a silly game with friends and he had an account but didn’t use it.

Yet he claimed, just yesterday, that the thousands of dollars charged to his credit card was fraudulent.

Thousands of dollars and yet you never once met anyone on the website?

I don’t know about you, but if this were my business partner, I’d be worried he’s either dumb as shit for spending that much money for nothing or he’s dumb as shit for not realizing someone was stealing so much money. Either way you cut the cookie, that guy is dumb as shit. Make him buy you out of eBoost and run for it!

Kristen, you should do the same. Who knows what STDs that man is bringing home to you.

Now here’s the really mind-boggling part of the whole website data breach saga…

Why the fuck aren’t these cheaters just admitting it to their wives in private?!?!? You know they aren’t confessing or else the stories wouldn’t start off as lies only to have it change later. I have to say, if that were my husband…

You know what, that’s too graphic. I’m going to leave that sentence unfinished.

Lesson to all you putzes trying to have an affair using digital means, all of it is one step away from your wife knowing. Just go home to her and give her some roses. See how quickly she gushes over you so you don’t have to pay to find someone to gush over your balding, pot-bellied, disgusting little self.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Where the hell are the crutches…

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Lola and I are so tired we can only contemplate sitting on the couch for the next week. Unfortunately, the Hubster is recovering from surgery and he’s running us ragged.

For the record, this is his second surgery this year, and I told him if anything else creeps up we’re going to have to institute a payment scale for all this nursing I am doing.

For better or worse, my ass.

Last night we had an incident which I can only describe as horrifying. It reconfirmed the fact that I was not cut out to be in the medical field. I unwrapped the bandages and followed my mother’s advice to keep it covered, but not wrapped tight. Now, before you think I’m ridiculously slow-witted, my mother is a registered nurse with over 30 years of experience. Plus, she successfully managed to keep my brothers and myself alive through every idiot idea we had as children. If she tells me to do it, I’m going to listen.

And then I promptly disregarded her advice.

I know, I know. But Hubster’s innards were literally bulging and pushing on the stitches. I had to walk across the room just to dry heave. Poor Hubster panicked as soon as I freaked out. Up until then he was completely unaware that his muscles and other assorted guts were seconds from spilling out of his body.

You know that moment in Alien where the alien is about to burst out of the human chest? Yeah, Hubster’s thigh looked like that. Luckily, as I ran away in a panic, the Hubster had the foresight to grab onto the wall to stop from falling down.

I may have to attach some sort of pulley system to the Hubster using Lola as a counterweight.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

 

If it isn’t nailed down…

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I totally missed yesterday’s Heatherism, I hope you can all stop yourself from poking out your eyes with a pencil until next week’s piece of advice that you can’t live without.

Hey, put that pen down! It can poke your eye out like a pencil!

There, I feel like I’ve redeemed myself a little bit.

Now on to today’s topic, clutter. My god, the clutter. I am completely overwhelmed with stuff and my brain started short circuiting last night when I couldn’t fit something in a closet.

And I think we all know what that means.

Everything is being sold and/or given to charity. Let’s just hope I stop before I give all my stuff away, but who knows. At this point, I may need to just sit in an empty room with Lola.

Poor, poor Lola. She’s hiding her toys as we speak.

Do we really have any sanity left…

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I would like to start my post of the day with a big, fat thank you! Thank you to everyone who came out to read new blogs. Thank you to everyone who posted a link to their blog. Thank you to anyone who came late, because this is the internet where we never close.

And thank you to those of you who meant to visit but found yourself drooling in front of a TV all day and trying not to blink too often. You all managed to rally and find the party yesterday, based on my website stats and link clicks.

Now I’d like to talk about how Lola’s diet is going. Well, how well do you think it’s going?! She’s a bulldog who fancies cheese and peanut butter.

And she can’t have any of it right now.

It’s been a painful few days, she now drools whenever I eat. She never used to drool. This diet is ruining lives…and carpet. Luckily, she seems to be losing that excess weight so once we hit our goal weight and the fall weather kicks in, she should be exercising enough to eat again.

That’s the funny thing about bulldogs. Every other animal, on the planet, gets fatter in the winter and slimmer in the summer. Not this little English; she is the opposite. It is so hot during the summer that Lola lies around trying to play as little as possible. Once the weather cools down she’s an unstoppable maniac. She chases squirrels for hours, charges around the house demanding her ball be tossed 1,000 times a day, and she relishes any opportunity to jump and catch bubbles that the Littles are playing with.

It’s exhausting.

Next year I’m going to avoid this diet agony and remember in time to reduce her food before the summer. Save us all a little bit of the sanity we have left remaining.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

BLOG PARTY DAY…

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Hi everyone! Today is the day for my first blog party! Please join in on this post!  Here are the details:

1. Choose one of your favorite posts from your blog.  Whatever you’d like to share with the rest of us, whether it be about travel, novels, food, personal adventures, blogging, photography, aliens taking over the world, etc. You may share up to three of your posts during the party, but please post only one at a time.  It’s best to wait awhile before sharing your second and third posts, as it will give others enough time to join in the fun!

2. Paste the link to your post in the comment section of this post (Make sure you use www. or the link won’t be clickable.) If you’d like to write something about yourself or describe your blog, we’d love it!

3. Have fun! Explore new blogs, comment on their posts, follow, reblog and share. Let other bloggers know that you met them here at the Shank You Very Much blog party!

Thank you so much for being part of this blogging blast! I’m glad you’re here!

And now I’d like to link you to one of my favorite posts. It’s wonderful to be Lola’s Mommybeast.

http://wp.me/p3WghM-5M


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Get some rest, the party is tomorrow…

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The Hubster and I just put an offer on a house we liked. I feel slightly sick inside. Please tell me this is normal.

Tomorrow is my blog party! Remember, come join us to link up your blog, find new readers, and find new blogs to read. Everyone is welcome, unless you are spewing hate speech. I hear those people are congregating on the bottom of the ocean.

Don’t take your scuba gear.

The party will be auto starting at 0300 Los Angeles time. I will come online by 0600 LA time. If your link has been accidentally put into the spam folder, I will dig you out. Never fear people, I am your leader!!!

You should be very scared.

Hope to see you all there, now go get some rest so your eyes can be ready.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Time to lose some chubs, Chubs…

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Lola is on a diet. It’s the first day. Technically, only one meal has been cut down so far.

Lola is acting like I’ve destined her to a life of misery.

I called Lola over to me so I could give her a little belly rub time, I knew I was an asshole for putting her on a diet when I myself am quite chunky. But she’s my baby and I want better for her. As Lola walks over to me, she makes sure to put on her saddest face of tragic backstabbing. Shakespeare would have been so proud of her. Four steps away from me, Lola collapsed on the ground. If that weren’t sad enough, she reached her front paw out to me as if saying, “please help me kind Mommybeast.”

It was ridiculous. She literally lost a total of 6 pieces of food in her breakfast meal. To prove I’m not exaggerating, she used to eat 2.5 cups of food per day and we would split that into three meals. The vet said we had to shave a total of 1/4 cup from her day. Since she gets fed three times per day, you can imagine how slight the decrease is per meal. I measured, it’s about 18 pieces of food. 18 pieces of food that are roughly the size of an M&M.

Lola

Lola is such a ham.

She’s lying on the floor acting like I am killing her with my unreasonable demands. But she’s now clocking in at 45.5 pounds and two weeks ago she was only 44. Her target weight is 42-44.

There is a possibility she’s going to start a mutiny and steal the Littles’ food.

P.S. Don’t forget that this Sunday, AUGUST 16, I am hosting a blog party. Come and link your blog up and find new blogs to read.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

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